Monday, 6 July 2009

'Born Survivor' grins and Bears it in ireland

Over the weekend a helicopter had to be scrambled to the North Coast after a group of students got into trouble during a Duke of Edinburgh Award expedition. If only they had scheduled their trip a week later they might have avoided any problems (and saved the Republic’s coast guard a pound or two) by watching Bear Grylls guide to surviving in Ireland; screened on Channel 4 on Saturday evening. Conquering the harshest conditions our island can muster, according to Bear, involves stripping half naked in a peat bog and grunting a lot with a dead sheep between one’s legs. Particularly as a Ballymena man, I’d say that seems a small price to pay in order to cuddle up in a stinking, shit encrusted ‘sheeping bag’ for the night.

Would it seem unduly cynical to suggest that Mr Grylls, with all his Special Forces’ experience, made his task seem just a tad more difficult than an unalloyed imperative to survive strictly merited? Let’s face it, he was in Ireland. At any given moment there must have been at least three brand new pebble dashed bungalows within a mile and a half radius. Indeed, as our hero scrambled up precipitous cliffs, and clung on to tufts of bracken for dear life, his cameraman’s most challenging objective would have been to provide a backdrop devoid of old feed bags and empty cans of Harp. Grylls chose to dine on seafood chowder, which he strained through a dirty sock, garnishing the dish with boiled maggots recovered from a seal carcass. I’d be relatively confident he could have absconded to the nearest chip shop, scoffed a pasty supper and still had time to set his campfire before dark.

Of course Bear, with a wealth of survival knowledge, knows best. Bad news when you next encounter a small lough, blocking the route to your preferred destination. Instinctively, a ‘born survivor’ might suppose a quick stroll around its perimeter to offer the best means by which to surmount such an obstacle. Actually he should strip (again), put all his belongings inside a dead sheep and swim across – quickly – in order to avoid hypothermia. Thus transported he will find himself within the confines of a forest park where he might be fortunate enough to find a trail marked with little yellow arrows. A refreshing Mr Whippee and a pee in some malodorous toilets should be only minutes away.

7 comments:

Timothy Belmont said...

I watched him butchering that dead sheep. you've got to hand it to him, he ain't half game!

Bear will eat anything just as long as it isn't poisonous.

Rather him than me.

Tim

Darren William said...

We were sitting watching the TV and this came up about bear going to "wildest Ireland" Some years late Bear, it would have made for a hell of an episode if you went "wild" in South Armagh in 1984. With only a flint, stone, a rifle and a wee bag to shit in (no really it did hide the smell)

I know a few men that did just that and they had a good laugh when they heard about your recent trip to Ireland.

Come on bear! you're letting the side down and you would have been twice as warm if you kept the sheep alive and setup home with it.

Hernandez said...

Grylls continues to impress with his vast knowledge of survival techniques. He seems to push the boundaries more and more and it certainly makes for compelling viewing.

ironbed said...

Bear certainly likes his sheep. I watched his trip to wildest Scotland and despite the odds stacked against him, he magically "stumbled upon" a dead highland sheep. What are the odds? I think he ripped its kidney out and ate it. He is as mad as that other madman, now deceased, Steve Erwin the crocodile and snake abuser.

Ignited said...

I love the programme so much, but was laughing my head off at this episode - it just reminded me of hiking in the Mourns when I was in the scouts! (minus carving up a dead sheep etc)

But still, you gotta hand it to the guy for effort and enthusiasm!

Hernandez said...

It is uncanny the way he always seems to stumble across a dead animal just at the right time. I'm nit picking though. Parts of it are obviously staged but you can't deny his bushcraft skills. He could take Ray Mears hands down.

rutherford said...

C'mon. Admit it - Grylls sipping water out of camel dung beats Ray Mears living down the bottom of his garden anyday.

When in a tight spot I suggest you ask yourself the following conundrum:

WWBGD?