Thursday, 8 May 2008

Community Telegraph - so bad, it's good!

The Belfast Telegraph has a stable mate I particularly enjoy reading. The Community Telegraph is so bad it’s actually funny. Take the restaurant reviews for instance. They're something like a school magazine article, provided by an author who's struggling with GCSE English, after the teacher had done a bit of editing.

I am particularly keen on the review, carried in this week’s South Belfast edition, of the restaurant Bourbon in Belfast: The reviewer furnishes us with an astonishingly literal description of the dining experience:
“We were greeted by the hostess who checked our booking before leading us to our table. We were presented with our menus and were moments later asked if we would like to order a drink."
And later:
“The waitress opened the wine, poured it for us and asked if we were happy with it — which we were.”

This is heady stuff and damned useful ..... if you have never before dined in a restaurant and wish to know the exactly what eating out entails.  The review continues in this vein, ‘the starters arrived. I picked up a fork and began to transfer quantities of food into my mouth’ or similar. I urge you to read it. ”One bite in and I quickly paused. I spotted something. A large black bit of food” is a particular highlight.

A number of weeks ago a review of Nick’s Warehouse informed readers that “tastefully but not pretentiously decorated, we sat down at our table and scanned the menu”. It is comforting to know, as a reader, that our proxy diners were well turned out.

4 comments:

Hernandez said...

You've uncovered an absolute gem there! I burst out laughing in the office when I read the Bourbon review. Literally. Imagine going out for a meal knowing that you'll be reviewing it and then ordering burger and chips! Haha! Especially when there is allegedly a large selection. My favourite line is:

"‘Absolutely delicious' I mumbled as the steak melted in my mouth. For the rest of the meal I couldn't take my eyes off her steak."

An undoubtedly fascinating account of the restaurant experience but I think this guy should stick to Burger King.

Chekov said...

I found that line both amusing and slightly disturbing. ;-)

Belmont Elivs said...

Fantastic! I love that review! Perhaps the CT imagine their foodie reviews double as 'eating out for dummies' - imagine the cinematic equiv: "after standing in line for a minute we paid for our tickets and walked into a large dark room that contained lots of chairs. "

In the EB version of the CT there was recently a review of a city centre deli that finished with this observation:

"Unfortunately our overall dining experience was marred when the man at the table next to us took his shoes off. Judging by the whiff circling our table he'd already done several laps of the nearby Victoria Square."

Chekov said...

Brilliant!