Friday, 10 October 2008

The gloves come off: Chekov vs. Mouse (Part III)

Readers with good memories may remember that I was locked in a battle of wits many months ago, with some manner of super-rodent possessed of abnormal cunning and intelligence. In common with locations on which the media descend to cover the story ‘du jour’, just because the reports have dried up, it does not necessarily follow that the situation has ended.

In fact the conflict has remained frozen over most of the summer. My foe’s last appearance was in mid July, just after I returned from Russia. I had lifted the traps at my girlfriend’s behest, lest we should return to the smell of decomposing mouse. When Chekov’s away …… We were enjoying an Indian takeaway (the cupboards were bare) when the intruder reappeared, displaying even more insouciance than normal.

It was clearly necessary to remilitarise the living room, re-priming traps and equipping myself with poison (a WMD deterrent if you will). This display of might appeared to do the trick. There hadn’t been sight or sound of the mouse since. Not a scurry around the skirting boards, not a sign of dislodged bait, not a nibble of the stereo’s wires, not so much as a tiny little stool deposited on the carpet. Nothing. Until last night.

My assumption that displaying the awesome hardware available to me had persuaded the vermin to pursue his campaign by other means (i.e. by deciding to hang out in someone else’s house for instance) has proven incorrect. He was merely marshalling his resources, and last night he indulged in a petulant display of defiance, coordinated not from his traditional redoubts in the fuse box and chimney breast, but largely from underneath the settee, which has not, up until now, been an area where he has commanded much support.

It is not possible to compromise with a mouse. By virtue of their mousiness they adhere to sets of behaviour which negate my constitutional and democratic rights (as outlined in the rental agreement). Either the mouse must renounce its mousiness (and perhaps align itself with more respectable creatures, such as spiders, with which I happily cohabit despite differences in culture, identity and political belief) or it must eventually be expelled. It cannot expect to continue crapping all over the living room floor, eating things and generally indulging in behaviour which seeks to stop the room working well and remaining a viable entity.

Bearing this in mind, last night the gloves came off and a sachet of seed like poison was left beneath the settee, on the lid of a tub of ‘Extremely Chocolaty Mini Bites’. Within minutes a sound of rustling seeds on plastic was clearly audible. Removing this menace will ultimately benefit all the residents of the house.


Hernandez said...

You have my full backing in this Chekov. If only these mice would just fulfil their promises, as agreed at the Lenzie Summit. It seems they are perpetuating a concerted campaign of alleged oppression and will continue doing so until they get what they want.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you were more successful than you thought in your assination attempts and the wider beastie family has decided to exact revenge.

I think you should get some bodyguards to protect you and your girlfriend especially under the cover of darkness when they are most malevolent. I would suggest body guards with names like Tom and Ginger with ferocious weapons concealed in their extremeties, large handlebar moustaches and an ability to see in the dark would offer the best protection.

However beware as they can become permanent residents and can takeover and become in charge of your residence. They like having servants to feed them and look after their many needs.

Maybe, on second, thoughts strategically applied napalm might cause less long term damage.

Good luck in a hopefully short campaign and may you not have too many casualtities.

Anonymous said...

How travel expands the mind; and wasn't Russia an educational experience.

To recap - man goes to Russia, man returns from Russian. Man remilitarises livingroom with WMD deterrents, sets deadly traps and demands realignment or expulsion of indigenous inhabitant. Minor dust up ensues, man leaves carcass of foreign vermin in his wake.

This is your 'Gulliver's Travels' (or 'Georgia's Travails') moment. I liked this alot.

Coz there's a guy over in Russia remilitarising his livingroom too. He doesn't understand compromise and he feels constitutionally threatened by foreign vermin too. Name? Putin. Vladimir Putin.

Next time a mouse turns up in your gaff, the President of the EU should immediately negotiate a ceasefire and give the US time to position a carrier group in the Crimean peninsula. You need to be taught a lesson by the international community comrade.

Kloot said...

Saw this online and thought of your plight

Kloot said...

Saw this online and thought of your plight

Chekov said...

Lol. I've got to get one of those. A serious bit of pest destroying kit!

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